@Joshuwaa;

"I had a realization last night that something I’ve been hoping for more than anything is never going to happen. Needless to say, it’s been a tough night. But over the course of the past thirteen hours or so, I have come to see that I am nothing if not a creature of habit, and that my life is cyclical to a terrifying degree. I was in this exact state last year at this time - very much in love with someone (the same someone, in fact), and unable to do anything about it. It seems silly to say so, but I have never felt this way about anyone, even when I thought I was madly in love with someone, even when I had actual relationships with people, when I spent eight months of my life with someone, I never felt like I do about this person.

I don’t presume to know what he is thinking, because I don’t get very many clues and, when I do, they point to the wrong answer. I came home last night and washed the blanket he always used, just to make sure it wouldn’t smell like him, though it had long since faded away. But it didn’t erase the memory.

It’s a hard thing to accept that you can love someone as much as your soul will allow and it doesn’t mean anything. Where does it all go if not to another person? I think it doesn’t leave at all - I think it stays inside and bounces around and swells up like a broken finger. And there is this alien object inside of you that sometimes pokes your stomach and sometimes pokes your lungs and sometimes pokes your heart.

I’m not the kind of person who knows restraint when it comes to feeling something. I don’t have walls, I don’t have issues letting people in, I don’t have a layer of protection from my true self and the world. I don’t think we should be afraid to love, and I am not. I know when I love someone, and in the very few instances in my life when I have genuinely, truly, strongly loved someone (I can think of three in my lifetime – including my current attachment), I can do nothing but let it be known and hope it’s allowed.

Some things are hard to get over. That’s a ridiculous statement, but sometimes it needs to be said. They’re hard to get over, but eventually you do it. Right? Right?

I’ll believe it when it happens.

This and everything about this.

The unfortunate truth."