The Condom Cunundrum.

Sex, love, wtf.
Seriously no.

I was with a guy once who would not shut the fuck up about how "this condom is too thick" and "can I please take it off" and "just for a second" and "I can't feel anything" and "just for a second" and "I promise I won't come" and "just for a second" and "just for a second, please please please, just for a second."


BITCH. I SAID NO.


Look, fellas. I admit I do not know or fully understand the can't-come-with-a-condom-on situation because I A) do not have a penis and B) have never worn a condom. But what I do know and fully understand is this: If you are expecting to get it in and on with a grown-ass woman who has any brains whatsoever, well then you better be expecting to wear a condom. And if she asks, begs or demands that you wear a condom, then you would be one sorry-ass fool if you thought you could just ask to take it off mid-fuck.


I mean really. Let's just think about that for a second. OK. So you're wearing a condom. And, just to be clear, what is its purpose? To protect you and your partner during sexual intercourse from accidental pregnancy and transmission of all sorts of possible infections and disease. Great! Hooray for condoms. So now you're fucking. Cool. Fucking is good. But you're thinking it would be even better if you could just take that darn condom off...


Hmm... I'm sorry, but condoms aren't like fucking seat belts in airplanes, all right? There isn't a cruising altitude at which point it's OK to take the condom off and roam about the cabin. And there isn't a condom light above the headboard that goes on and off when the the plane is experiencing turbulence or when a baby is about to be made.


No, sir. If anything, condoms are like parachutes. You better wear that thing the whole way down and just hope it doesn't have any holes in it. Oh, you'd like to take the parachute off mid-freefall? Sure! But you better fucking pray your stupid, selfish ass lands somewhere real soft.


Moral of the story: Wear a condom and shut the fuck up.