shit sucks.

to the point where I can't even blog anymore. what is this?

school is school, as always. not fitting in, never have & never will. the boys are afraid of me or want to fuck me, the girls hate me for being a 'slut' or are afraid of me.

work is slightly better, what with I suppose zayden wanting to acknowledge my existance now. we're friends, it's very peculiar. i still leave wanting to fall into his arms and cry and cry and cry and never stop. i want to hit him and kiss him. so many emotions at once, it's uncomprehendable.

my social life is... well...

what social life? i don't have friends anymore. friends. something so difficultly simple. i guess the ones that welcomed me back when i surfaced from last year got sick of my unreliableness and constant disappearances. i have acquaintances and i have my distant best friends. i guess i have guy and liam, sometimes jordie, although liam is a whole new subject of his own.

liam, liam, liam. 'don't leave me or i'll try to kill myself again. i'm in counselling, please don't leave me, i am so very sad and i need you so much.' it reminds me of me when i was that young. so young and desperate and naive. and that's why i can't leave him. i can't do to him what was done to me.

i guess james and i aren't really best friends anymore. we still see eachother a few times a year and it's like nothing has changed but he never talks to me. god, i remember he used to call me all the time, and i really do mean all the time. i used to be able to tell him everything and i did. the one person i always opened up to. i really miss that. i miss opening up to someone.

i still have skye in a way, but she has grown up so much. i haven't spoken to her in a while but she'll call me and everything will be the same. i will tell her so very much the next chance i get, which leads me to ben.

this has been absolutely plaguing my mind. what do i do here? why am i behaving like this? why do i care so much? why am i letting myself be treated like this?

the weekend he was here, i don't even know. shit happened. shit always happens. shit always has to fucking happen to me.

this past week has pushed me overboard. i've started cutting again, and smoking. this is pathetic.

on a positive i fixed a fence and bought the sims. which guy and liam are playing right now on the other side of the bed.

fuck, i'm really hungry and i'm getting angrier and sadder.

peace out cunts.